The day I heard about war in Ukraine

...I woke up early as the big bright sun beam was hitting directly at my face.

"Wake up!"

[08:18]

I checked Telegram - J had sent me a recording of a new song. A song he recorded for our Tortillationship anniversary. One year of a truly incredible long-distance friendship... Full of tortilla recipes, dancing challenges and tickle fights. Tortillationship.

On that day we were supposed to have a video call and eat tortilla chips dipping them in guacamole, as February 24th is an International Tortilla Chip Day.

Not the day for a war to be started. No day is a day for a war to be started.

Ignoring other chats and notifications, I recorded my video response for J - sunbeams playing on my face, bouncing and casting "sunshine bunnies" from my phone screen. A beautiful morning, a wake up full of joy making me scream:

"There is a lot of sun in Warsaw today!"

Rewatching that video message now, a sullen, grief-like feeling touches me from inside. A lump in the throat. My inner sunshine isn't as bright right now as it used to be.

Now I know the war is. It continues. People run. People die. People kill each other.

Fear. Anxiety. Uncertainly. Helplessness. Terror.

[10:10]

"Hi, how are you?"

The Fox texted just as I realized what had happened at 4 am that day. I guess he also had learnt about it not so long ago.

"Can we call?"

"Sure"

I don't remember now what exactly we were talking about. I was talking as if catching my breath, no pauses, no particular goal or topic in the conversation.

"I don't know how I feel to be honest".

The day I heard about war in Ukraine I was at home. Alone, with my cat Beta definitely not sharing my shock of accepting the fact that just 700 km away Russian army has bombed sleepy Ukrainian towns, destroyed airports, and damaged war objects. Looking at the clear blue sky and listening to birds chirping from my balcony, I was trying to hear shell explosions at distance.

As if I needed a proof that what had happened earlier that day was actually a reality, and not a sick nightmare.

"Ребят, все совсем плохо"

Soon enough my group chats started to explode from messages full of fear and panic, in particular, from Ukrainian friends whose reality actually became a nightmare, or worse. While we were talking over the phone with the Fox, they had already gone to the Russian embassy to protest. And I had to log in to my work laptop and send media monitoring to the client, going about my day as if it was a regular Thursday. Thor's Day.

"On 24th of February, 2022, Russia started a war in Ukraine" - the only line I wrote in my journal then.

[12:00]

DEJ Bakery. People queue up to buy donuts for a notorious "holiday-calories-don't-count" Fat Thursday. I took my bike Relax for a spin. I didn't want to buy donuts, but at that point they represented lifebuoys. I was desperately grabbing at anything routinely "normal" to get me out of crippling anxiety and acceptance that from now on, things would inevitably change.

I spent the rest of the day in limbo. Whatever it was supposed to be - Fat Thursday, Tortillationship celebration or just a sunny day - it wasn't. I could not work, I could not make myself check the news and go down the funnel of scary news.

Denial. Escapism. I don't want to believe in war. I don't believe in war. It is wrong. Unnatural.

Upon return home, I grabbed a guitar and started playing Океан Ельзи - Без бою. Singing along, feeling bronze strings cutting into my fingers, strumming hard I was letting everything out of myself - everything I felt but couldn't explain.

Я не здамся без бою.

I believe in love. And love always wins. Right? This is what you taught me, mom.

[16:55]

My mother, a Ukrainian born, Belarus grown woman was calling me as I was on the way to the Russian embassy.

"Just be careful, ok? Don't post anything on social media that can put you in danger"

Naively, we still hoped that next week I would go to Belarus and finally reunite with my family after two years spent apart... I had just collected my residence permit card the day before, now being able to travel abroad, and made a big announcement to all my friends and family that I could finally go home...

Man Plans, and God Laughs.

As I type these words now, more and more Belarusians are escaping to Poland, fearful of possible military situation in state to be announced, followed by the closure of borders.

"Let's wait and see how it goes. I would never forgive myself if I let you come here knowing that you wouldn't be able to go back".

[18:08]

The evening protest gathered thousands of people next to the Russian embassy: Ukrainians, Belarusians, Poles, all kinds of people... from all walks of life. Hitler alluring imageries of Putin, Ukrainian and white-red-white flags flying, police cars and flickering blue lights.

Somehow, in this endless crowd, I found my Ukrainian friend and stood there beside her until the protest was over. Why was I there? Definitely not to protest, as it turned out, cause I realized I shared no reciprocity for the collective anger, pain, indignation or hate. With every speaker coming up to tribune and giving their speeches about what in their opinion needed to be done immediately, I was asking myself: "Is it really going to help? And help who? Why do these people talk? Each of them has their own narrative, private agenda, ego to expose in front of 11 000 people who just want the war to be over and their families to be safe. Who can stop the war? And can it be stopped with words? If so, I don't think that "Путин - хуйло" is the slogan that will make it happen".

[19:30]

"Wanna go grab a coffee?"

"With pleasure"

As me and my Ukrainian friend were talking, I was looking around Warsaw streets. The streets of the city that saw the war. The city that remembers. The city that now has Ukrainian flags flying at every bus, every municipality, every billboard and skyscraper.

I hope that lifts the spirit of 1 million Ukrainian refugees that Poland is receiving these days.

"I wanted to give something to you"

I pass a bunch of photographs to my Ukrainian friend.

"Take as many as you want"

Slowly, with a weak smile, she goes through the photos, one by one. There are her portraits, and our group photos - the ones I've shot with my single use film camera at Christmas and New Year's parties. Back when there was no sight of war, and no trace of pain in our hearts.

"There is a never-ending war in our hearts. A war between the light and darkness, good and evil, love and hate. The war that mother and daughter are fighting against travel restrictions, closed borders, COVID regulations, separation and distance, and anything else that comes in their way. Love is my weapon of choice. And we all need a bit of extra love these days, don't you think?"

On passing the photographs and giving my Ukrainian friend as many hugs as I could, I went home. I don't remember how the day I heard about Ukraine finished. There was no Tortillashionship video call with guacamole in the end, and J didn't talk to me since.

But I know that I did all I could to make myself and my closest friends feel better. Even if it was just playing guitar, sharing a donut, or passing photographs.

It's been 9 days since the war in Ukraine started. I still choose love as my weapon to fight against the terror. Doing whatever just to stay alive, I try to shine my beam of light in the black hole of reality none of us has chosen to live in.

Все буде добре для кожного з нас.

Все буде добре, настане наш час.